To Home With Love

earfood : rainbow veins, owl city

i think i got off on a wrong foot when i first published a post with a similar title. overhead, there is just too much to be written about when it comes to home, in this context, a place of pure tranquility and peace. and much to my dismay, i've wrongly redirected my heart when it searched frantically for home. i misguided it totally and driven it off-course. right now im sitting in the living room, blogging on my neighbour's wifi again, with a lost dragonfly whirring beside my ear and they way its wings changes direction flapping in a nonsensical way in just a nanosecond is such a beauty to be marveled upon. for a minute i thought i was in paradise only to wake up knowing im home.

you see, i love everything here. apart from all the jogging inconsistencies and good-food-but-cannot-eat scheme im working on now, theres really nothing to be disappointed upon, which is rather disappointing, really. its here where i get what i want, and get what i really need and thats about it. and yes the constant blabbering and waffling continues once every now so often but seriously, what could get more exciting knowing that every day is a gift, a reward for living the day before happily. i know misery is still my best friend from time to time but i certainly know that like the rest of my best friends, they leave footprints in my heart and later, they choose to leave my life. just like that. without warning. without signs. 

of course, there's the constant obligatory questions asked on me from time to time and without much hesitation, i presented them with the perfunctory answers. its rather hard keeping a veneer so tight that it snaps the back of my spine but seeing that its the only way for me to get through the days, i'll keep on wearing it as long as it kept me covered from the face i held inside. over exposure can lead to catastrophic effect, which i am not ready to accept.

* i know i can how much of a believer sometimes but when opportunities present itself, who am i gonna kid? giving excuses for not growing up? and blame it all on misfortunes and others? like how my friends fucked my childhood up and how greatly i missed it that i tried reliving it every single day ever since? how resentful can these thoughts battling with my mind. a part of my have let it go but the other part, havent.

i mean, how can i for a moment believed that that place is my home?? how could i let my heart deceived me in such a way that, god forbid, disgust me. for a moment there, i felt like stabbing it right in the upper right corner, for betraying everything i believed in. for betraying me. but that'll be just bull.

of course, we shared some distaste over minor issues here and there. dont we all? take for instance, im not allowed to do some of the things i want to do and momentarily, it kinda suck big time. but from where i stand, i've learnt to see things the other way around. like these acrimonious thoughts of destroying what home is, trying to commandeer my life, of how disgusted i felt when i witnessed it first hand. for a moment there, what i believed in doesnt matter anymore.

on second thought, why bother spilling out so much hate for which something that i love so much equally? actually more than equally for which the judgmental system will without a doubt, go wrong like a spinning compass out of control. i overrule my initial hatred for everything i believed in earlier.

i love my home. and nothing else in the world can change that. not even god himself if he were to come down from heaven and try change my mind. the feeling of living here is soo lukewarm. yet so monochrome. but its all i got and i'll hold on tight to it.

and soon, i'll leave home and grow up just like everyone else. i'll embark on a different journey of life, explore the unreal possibilities and maybe have a family of my own, we'll see, and then, the love will just find its way back to my heart. to remind me of how home felt like some 20? years ago.