Determination

i used to think that as long as we're committed into doing something, it doesnt really matter how much effort we throw in for making it work out because at the end of the day, the end result is what matters the most. its like basically saying that 'im losing the first fight, the last round was fixed from the start'. apparently, i was wrong. i dont think like that anymore. now, i'd like to see myself as someone who actually cares about something he really wish for and still, dont do shit about it, but in the end still gets it.

coming next week is my oral test and i cant even begin to describe why i signed up for the exam. must be the pressure well youll never know. funny how candidates taking the test attend classes for at least one and a half year for that similar test and i didnt even spent a second in any of those classes. the written paper is due next month and i already can see myself failing it badly. i've spent a shitload of time browsing through materials related to the test and found none. ironic enough, my writing skills had deteriorate to some degree thanks to short-texting messages services and late night mamak sessions and i can bet my ridiculous coming allowance that if i still manage to pass my upcoming writing paper, it must be the ink from my pen are magically produced. or he/she marking it is partially blind.

maths paper is coming real soon and i still suck at it but still, theres some nice people that i know of offered me some help. i really do need help, pronto.

classes were blur as usual, largely due to the fact that i hardly attend any. i was beginning to have the feeling that my lecturers are disowning me which is rather saddening. i used to be a good student. i used to. but that was wayy long ago. right now i gotta feeling that if i were to bump into any of my lecturers out the on the streets, they wouldnt even recognise me anymore.

recently, it seems that i can no longer blog in total transparency. i got loads to say but i cant find the means to say it all out. theres 3 pending post that i yet to publish and i kinda got stucked in the middle. lack of brain cells seems to be the problem here but no worries, im gonna get over it soon.

soon, it will be the end of our course. i cant believe a year and a half came and went by so fucking fast. seems like its only yesterday i meet them all. the funny, the damn cool, the crazy and also the fucker.

nineteen is a huge number. its like popping pills of prescription from the counter and down all of it one shot. its suicide. but fuck it...., i lived! thats what determination is all about.... ;)