....the juice is worth the squeeze....

someone once told me that life is all about being the best, beat the rest! Bullcrap I don't buy it. Least. Enough said.

recently thing's been awfully crappy. she-want-me-want-we-don't-want thinking is filling up my mind yet again. countless thoughts of her. everytime. everywhere. every now and then. in dreamless sleeps. in sleepless dreams.

I'm like losing a gamble where I haven't place my bet yet. a fair game of chance where there's no my-my-probability. like toss of dice without my number on it. like throwing a dart to a donut where there's no bullseye.

kelly (big time porn producer) once said : "the first rule of politics is that you must always know if the juice is worth the squeeze". Translation --never go for something that brings consequences that you're not ready to face.

Matthew Kidman once asked : "so what's moral fibre all about?? funny i used to think that moral fibre is basically telling the truth, doing good deeds, you know basically living like a fucking boy scout. then i realised that it's more of finding the one thing that is most inportant to you.

and when you find this one special thing, you risk it all. you protect her you basically put her in front of everything's else : your life your future everything. and maybe sometimes the things that you done for her isn't so clean, but deep down you know..., that the juice is worth the squeeze"

to me, the real meaning of it is that whether we could ask ourself : "is the risk of the detour outweights the benefit of the risk taken at the first place?" life had always been a big gamble. it always have. full of off-bets and high hands and we the weaker ones are left un-chipped.

i really need to take a good look at myself before i decide that i really want to do this. recent history of trades suggest that this might just be the biggest shit that will bring me down and God, I really wished i can pull this through.

now waking up every morning, walk aimlessly around the house without a cause. it's just tearing me apart right now. huge stuffs are coming my way. I'm just a boy how can you put all these on me??

I need motivation. determination. loads of movies and maybe a spark (if you know what i mean) people said things happened for a reason. people also said things happened without a reason. to me, things happened for a reason that we're defining so far for which the reason is us to stop searching for the reason.

General Albert Pike once said: "for after all what is man in nature? a nothing in relation to infinity. all in relation to nothing. a central point between all and nothing and indefinitely far from understanding either."

where are we in understanding ultimately what the fuck we're supposed to do here? just breathe everyday and live our life? eat and continue breathing? what we supposed to do? what's our primary objective? what's our mission? had we accomplished our task? or had we failed?

i really want to know if i can do this alone. can I? should I? would I? what's in for me? what do I get? what's the risks? can I die doing this? or......

IS THE JUICE WORTH THE SQUEEZE?